7.29.2005

Zombie Doctor

Hear ye all, and cringe.

I'm seeing a chiropractor. I know. Shut up. I hurt.

I went to one way back when (I think I was still in high school) and she took all these X-rays and showed me my spine and how if I didn't get chiropractic care RIGHT NOW AND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE my back was going to snap like a twig and leave me quadriplegic. She didn't say that, but she did say a lot of scary things and shine a bright light in my face and make me sign a confession...er, a contract. She was always smiling bigger than her mouth looked like it was supposed to stretch and saying that pills are evil. She was really nice, but in that unnerving way that makes you suspect she's a cult member. Or a coke head.

There was no way I was going back to that particular chiropractor, but Mom (who still goes diligently) hooked me up with a different one. This one seems more normal, for a chiropractor, and her plan involves three months of treatment as opposed to FOREVER. But I've been to her office three days in a row, and I'm supposed to go back Monday. Who has time for this shit?

Ooh ooh, and guess what? She called me last night at home, a little after 9 pm...get this...to make sure I was putting ice on my back.

I'm going to be a good girl for this next three months and do everything I'm supposed to. I'll be chronicling my experiences here, along with my findings. Pray I'm not discovered, but if the police tell you I died accidentally from a snapped neck, DON'T BELIEVE THEM.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

liz, did you see in the paper that your first zombie doctor got in a ton of trouble for unethical blah blah blah? i think it was in monday or tuesday's paper.
-jp

Cookie said...

Liz,

This is completely unrelated but I was talking to my boss (Mike Keracher) this morning and he has a crush on your singing voice. If he wasn't a grandfather and happily married, I think he might try to woo you from Chris.

Loooove,
Cookie

woodlayson said...

Cookie: Chris told me that Mike told him that he was your boss. That's awesome! He said he likes you. Shh. Don't tell.

JP: What did they get in trouble for? Was it drugs? I just knew they were on some serious uppers. Or...uh oh, was it something creepy?

Anonymous said...

SHE got in trouble for taking advantage of an elderly person. she took jewelry and shit like that for payment...the old dude could pay anymore because he was going THREE TIMES A DAY or something bizarre like that. PLUS, the old dude had fallen down in front of their building and see, he has cancer, and has treatments, and she should know that cos he's her patient and she DIDN'T take him to the hospital (even though his bones are made of air) instead she had one of her minions take him home. basically, she's an idiot.
well, that's what the paper said.
-jp

Cookie said...

She took JEWELRY for payment? Oh, she needs to be hurt. Deep breathe, mercy, love, compassion.

Not helping...

Hey, my boss likes me? Cool! Man, wouldn't that be the worst way to find out he didn't? Cookie, bad news.. you're getting fired soon.

We had a talk about Chris and how cool he was. Mike likes his hair. Hee!

woodlayson said...

Everybody loves the hair.

I asked Mom about the charges. She had asked Leslie about it and Leslie said the old man was a longtime friend of the family and that the gifts weren't payments, just...well, gifts. And that he wouldn't let them take him to the hospital when he fell. I was skeptical about that, but Mom pointed out that the exact thing happened to my grandfather, who also had bone cancer, when he fell in the backyard. He would've bitten some fingers off before we got him into an ambulance.

His daughter, or niece, whatever, was his sole heir and she got upset whenever he'd spend lots of money. So she sued the McClellans after the old guy died, I guess to try to get some of it back. He'd never let her do it when he was alive.

That was her side of the story. Who knows. People suck.

Anonymous said...

i'm not sure i'd believe HER side of the story, but only because she's a FREAKSHOW. all's i know is they got her on several counts of unethical shenanigans. as for the old dude falling down...she's a "doctor" so she should know better. i dunno. i mean, wouldn't you call the family at the very least?
witchdoctor!